Oh, You should see MY diaper bag

I just read an adorable post by my friends over at threelittlecrowns highlighting what's in Britt's toddler diaper bag. As with everything they do, I loved it. And what's more, despite all of the over-stylized, picture perfect bloggers out there who try to make their life seem one way when really it's another, I actually believe Britt. On every item. Those two at threelittlecrowns are a rare combo of beautiful and honest.

But I had to laugh. Because my current "diaper bag" is not even worthy of being seen by me.

I mean if you could only see what's insi....

YOU CAN.

Here's the really-not-beautiful truth of my mother-of-two diaper bag:

- The bag: a black "I don't know what this style is called, you could cart a bowling ball around in it?" purse that I bought at Forever 21 with a giftcard from my brother Curt, who I've recently just started calling "my brother" instead of "my brother in law" because he gave me work out tips (he's a body builder type) on how to make my butt bigger and I feel like that makes us close. The bag is both a diaper bag and a purse because my kids are pretty important to me, but not important enough to make me carry two bags.

- The wallet: it came inside of a Nine West purse that my best friend (in Amsterdam!) bought me years ago and despite the fact that it was free inside, I still feel like an elitist designer snob when I pull it out (to get my coupon for a free coffee at Tim Horton's)

- Diapers, on diapers, on diapers: the thing is, days when we leave the house at 7am and return at midnight happen more often than I'd care to admit. Like, my best friend on my street thought we had already moved away because our car is never home. So when I have a little lady who still pees in her pants, the purse is getting filled to the brim with diapers.

- A broken travel wipes dispenser: which I have notified Huggies about because things I paid $2 for should not break.

- A pair of sunglasses but only one eye has a lens and I'm unsure why I haven't thrown them away. Like maybe if I really need them I could just squint one eye closed and give up depth perception while I'm driving for a minute?

- Usually my phone, well like 75% of the time, the other 25% it's still on the charger or laying on the kitchen table (Crap!)

- Usually my keys, well like 98% of the time, there was that time last week that I drove 40 minutes home then realized I left them with Calvin, so I drove all the way back to where he was got them and drove home. Just kidding I stopped at Starbucks midway through and poured hot espresso in my mouth to make the situation bearable

- Between 1 and 28 socks that don't belong to me, same goes for mittens and hats

- Enough wrappers from straws, Halloween candy and granola bars, coupled with receipts I don't need and parking tickets (like the kind you pay for, not the kind a cop gives you), to fuel a small fire for 24 hours

- A panic button for my job because I work in high security, I have never pushed it in jest, but I have accidentally broken it by storing it in the fridge with my lunch

- Eco-friendly organic alcohol-free hand sanitizer in "grapefruit & oil of oregano", for the kids; Bath & Body Works all-in alcohol-bonanza hand sanitizer in "harvest peach" for me

- 1 sole packet of stevia in case I become a diabetic who likes sweetened coffee one day soon

- A diva cup, because we all know lightening doesn't strike twice and my first round of motherhood I was blessed with a break from lady-cycles from October 2010 to Spring 2013. It's only fair that this time around, despite my passion for extended breastfeeding freakshow, my shark week's a-coming.

- A handful of stale granola, I've had plenty of opportunity to dispose of it but you never know when you'll be stuck in the car for a few hours.

- A few lip colours that don't look good on me, but never a plain lip balm when I need it

- Enough loose change to buy a muffin, minus ten cents usually, when I'm in the drive thru with 8 cars behind me

- Enough restaurants crayons to keep Oliver busy for 90 seconds

- 3 travel sunscreens that surely expired in 2001, why I'm unable to finish a 0.75 ounce sunscreen is beyond me


So there you have it! I think you can gather why this post hasn't been enhanced with photos. I need not prove this information. This information is real as it gets.

What do you keep in your bag of tricks?