Parenting: What's the goal?

As we use the full extent of our heads and hearts to steer our little ones in the "right" direction, we have to remember what the direction is that we're steering.

I can get really caught up in doing the right parenting things like using explanations ("Going outside with shoes on instead of boots will make your feet cold because of the snow. I don't want your feet to be cold so I will wait until you put boots on for us to go outside." - which I'm great at) and following through on consequences ("You were told that if you keep throwing crayons in the living room that they will need to be put away. You threw them again so now they are going away.") - which Calvin is great at).

We have to remember what the goal is.

I was reminded of this as I read a little parenting e-manual provided by my employer's health-promoting department. It has a list of qualities of a successful child:

• Empathy and compassion
• Problem-solving (ability to make wise choices)
• Communication
• Accountability/responsibility
• Self-confidence

It really made me stop and think about what things I do that promote these qualities, and what I do that hinders them.

I often praise Oliver for things he's done (great drawing, thanks for bringing me my phone when it was ringing, you picked the cutest outfit today!) but if he's already well aware that he does well at these things, maybe he needs a bigger challenge to take on, to prove to himself that he is capable. Maybe putting this into action would be a little scary for me, like if it means I have to let him pour his own almond milk even though it's a near-guaranteed mess. Another thing I can do, to promote communication, is stop asking yes or no questions. I'll say: Did you have fun at Starbucks with Aunty-Lala? Yes. What if I asked: what did you do today with Aunty-Lala? That might elicit more of a response. Empathy is a tricky one also - one easy way the manual suggested to encourage it is to explain the needs of others through toys. Example: let's make a pretend sandwich for Mr. Antlers (his stuffed reindeer) because he looks hungry.

The next list that I want to focus on, is also a list of qualities I hope to encourage in Oliver: the fruits of the spirit. They are:

• Love
• Joy
• Peace
• Patience
• Kindness
• Goodness
• Faithfulness
• Self-control

I think my best bet on teaching these is to make an effort to grow them in myself. Bottom line.

And lastly, there was a long list of qualities that you could comment on whether they are important to you, to see in your child, or not. For most my answers were yes, with a few that needed clarification (I want Oliver to be "well-behaved" per-se, but maybe not in the usual sense. Also "fair" and "self-reliant" needed further discussion.) Some I decided no - they are not important to me.

• accepting
• accomodating
• affectionate
• autonomous
• caring
• charitable
• conservative
• cooperative
• courageous
• devoted
• easy-going
• energetic
• fair
• fun
• gracious
• healthy
• helpful
• honest
• kind
• liberal
• likeable
• loving
• natural
• patient
• playful
• polite
• productive
• reasonable
• respectful
• responsible
• self-reliant
• self-sufficient
• significant
• spiritual
• strong
• successful
• supportive
• talkative
• thrifty
• trustworthy 
• warm
• well-behaved

I'm curious to hear what you think of these lists. It's great to "keep our eyes on the prize" and know why we do the things we do as parents.

Life Update: Returning to Work

I don't think I'm the stay-at-home mom type. Not naturally, and for a few reasons:

• At the end of a day at home - despite trips to the park, long hours of learning and discovery, and wonderful memories - I lack a sense of accomplishment. I feel like I don't deserve to spend 8 - 9pm in front of the TV because I haven't "worked" yet. Perhaps a load of laundry or two would help this, ha ha.
• I have a real need to be around adults. I'm not even outgoing or talkative, but I love to be a quieter contributor to social situations. Going to mommy groups didn't quench this for me.
• I have crazy guilt about passing up amazing job opportunities. Like the following:

After much discussion, Calvin and I decided that I would accept an exciting job offer I was given by the YMCA, after months of volunteering with them while on maternity leave. To make this happen, Calvin is going to stay at home with Oliver for the last three months of our parental leave. In August he will return to TD and we'll need a new plan.

My first day was yesterday, and the shift itself was thrilling and wonderful, but leaving the house at 8:30am was as close I've gotten to bawling my eyes out in the past 24 years (watching the show Intervention also comes close). I suddenly felt like I was abandoning the family. I had pictures of Oliver screaming and clawing at the front door. I felt the weight of a thousand stay-at-home moms' judging eyes fall on me. It was hard.

But luckily, I was only gone until 1pm. Calvin did a great job of changing Oliver, bathing him, letting him play outside and with his indoor toys, feeding him and even getting a ton of house chores done. Apparently neither of them cried the whole time. So it's going to be okay! I had a double-electric breast pump and a son who doesn't mind "reverse cycling" (look it up) so we'll be okay.

But that's my update.

Have you been in a similar situation? Tell me your thoughts!

Top Tips for a Happy Baby

So here I am, feeling overwhelmed with how much I've been blessed. Just off the top of my head, the things I'm so thankful for include: a quick, uncomplicated, very happy birth; no problems with jaundice, or colic, or crying at any length at all; rapid, healthy weight gain coming from successful breastfeeding; a very happy sleeping arrangement and a post-pregnancy body that feels pretty darn good if I do say so myself. No diaper rash, no mastitis, no depression, doesn't spit up. It's as though I've gotten the best of every situation.

So I don't want to sound like an expert, or imply that all babies are alike and respond well to the same things, but I've read a lot of books and tried a lot of things and I'd love to share some tips that have been helpful to me with enjoying a happy baby:

1. Prayer. I can't help but start off the list with the thing I credit all these gifts to the most. Prayer by me, by Calvin, and from our family and friends. We pray for our son often, and something tells me we get prayed for a lot too.

2. A healthy pregnancy. This means more than nutrition. Some people now believe that the 9 months your child spends in your womb is much more important than we think. I think my positive, relaxed attitude helped Oliver to feel content (yes, stress hormones cross the placenta). Use this time to totally abuse your public library and get as much information as you can. End your healthy, natural pregnancy with a healthy, natural birth if possible. I will be blogging more about midwifery in the future.

3. Breastfeeding. I probably shouldn't even get started or I won't be able to stop, but breastfeeding is the most amazing gift you can give to your child and yourself. It's so important to be ready for it so read some books (The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by La Leche League) and even meet up with a lactation consultant or group. (Watch youtube videos - they're so helpful! And that way I feel better about the massive amounts of hits they get - I mean 3 million views on "how to hand express breast milk"? That just screams pervert...)

4. Attachment parenting. This includes baby wearing (invest in an awesome wrap, sling or snugly and keep your baby on you everywhere you go) and co-sleeping. The first period of your baby's life is almost like a 4th trimester, they need you around all the time. Read anything by Dr. Sears.

5. Reading baby's cues. First of all, I don't believe in "cry it out" - a baby's needs and wants are the same thing. They don't know how to manipulate - only communicate. A baby can't be spoiled. We rarely hear Oliver cry because we try to understand his needs before he gets hysterical. From trying to understand him I've come up with this:

Hungry: his cry starts with an "n" sound. It's an obvious one. He also opens his mouth, roots around and will suck on anything. N-ahhhhhh!
Uncomfortable: his noise starts with an "h" sound. Almost like the awkward noise you make when someone offers you something you don't want but you pretend to want it anyway. ("Hey, I heard you really like Tim Hortons coffee - so here you go - double double!" "Hehh...")
Trapped gas: a yell with an "a" sound, and lower than the others. Pretty much the same sound adults make when they have digestive problems, like auughhh. Possibly like the sound you'd make if you were punched in the stomach. Sometimes there's nothing I can do about this one but I give him a back or tummy massage anyways.
Needs a burp: kind of an "e" sound, although this one's rare cause I often feed him upstairs and when we bounce back down to the main floor we get it all out, ha ha.

Tired: starts with an "o", more like an owwww sound. Sometimes this means mom gets a nap too! Yay!
Lonely: this just sounds like one quick yell. It's really obvious to me that he's just saying "Hello! I'm still here! Put down your knitting and come hang out with me!"

6. Take care of yourself too. It's the oxygen mask theory: They always tell you on a plane to put your mask on before helping others with theirs. If you aren't taken care of you aren't able to take care of others. So I make sure to eat 3 meals a day and some snacks, if I don't get a full night's sleep I take naps and if I'm frustrated or lonely I tell someone right away. Moms don't need to be these crazy, sleep deprived zombies stuck at home and unhappy. I'm happy as a clam!

Enjoy these tips and ask me about anything you're unsure about or need more information on. Again, I only have 5 weeks experience (Happy 5 Week Birthday Oliver Wolfe!) but I'm really happy with the results these things have had.